How are you?

How are you? It’s a question that gets asks several times a day. It is simple, kind gesture. At least to most people. But to me it feels like a loaded question. A question that implies that I look miserable or that you know something is wrong.

I am often dishonest when someone asks how I am. I say “good” or “I’m fine.”  My mom has given me a hard time about this for years. She always knew when I wasn’t fine or good. “I’m fine” usually meant I needed someone to talk me off the ledge.

Over the past few weeks I have felt that way a lot. I am beyond disappointed to share that we are not pregnant again after a frozen embryo transfer. So when someone asks how I am I want to tell them that I’m angry and tired. That I am overwhelmed. That I cannot do

much more of this.

My husband knows me better than anyone. He knows I can’t dive into another cycle as much as I want to. He knows I need space but need smothered at the same time. He knows what I need better than I do.

So we planned a real vacation. Not our dream vacation that includes diapers and pacifiers but a vacation that includes the opposite; alcohol, adults, and the beach. I can put fertility drugs and bills behind me. Having something to look forward to has changed my attitude tremendously. I’m beginning to feel rather confident that if it is just the two of us that we can still be pretty darn happy. For now that is where I have to keep myself. I have to keep thinking of a future with just Derek and I. A future full of lots of vacations.

Of course we will gladly use the two remaining embryos that we have; just not right now. The doctor said we continue to fall into the small percentage that is unexplained. The previous diagnosis does not stand since we treated for it. It should have been a moot point. So she agrees to throw the kitchen sink at me for our last go around. We will increase intralipids and add a blood thinner. Who knows if that will work or what we will do if it doesn’t. I don’t have the energy to worry about it right now. So next time you ask “how are you?” I’m going to be honest because I am learning that just fine is okay.

This is all about survival.

We started the process of preparing my body for FET (frozen embryo transfer) a few weeks ago. My natural hormones were shut down and the drugs did their part to control my reproductive system. I’ve somehow managed to keep it together for weeks of side effects from birth control and Lupron with the help of essential oils and Natural Calm. I have a lot of faith in oils and vitamins. Magnesium does wonders for headaches and overall health. And my house may smell like a natural foods store but it is tranquil and helps me feel relaxed. This is all about survival.

This week the good stuff began. We traveled to St. Louis twice to see Dr. Dayal at the Sher Institute for Reproductive Medicine. I received an intralipid infusion. Part of me (actually a lot of me) was excited to be injected with this gross milky substance. I mustered up the guts to get an IV in my hand and waited two long hours as it made it’s way through my body. This simple but complex treatment may be the trick to making this whole thing work. My immune system is too reactive and my natural killer cells have most likely been attacking the embryos each time we try to get pregnant. This fatty soy and egg based product will give the natural killer cells something to attack and take the focus away from the embryos. It makes sense and hopefully does the job.

The lining of my uterus was also checked each time this week. It finally reached the greater than 9 millimeters requirement with the help of an extra dose of Estrace daily. And just like that we are ready to transfer our embryos.

But not too fast. Since my own reproductive hormones have been shut down I had to begin the infamous progesterone in sesame oil. I also started a regimen of antibiotics and steroids to ensure that my immune system stays at bay. I have felt like a science experiment this week.

Progesterone in oil has me loosing my mind. It is by far the worst injection I’ve done as it is thick and has to go into the muscle. I psych myself out every night. I act like I’m busy but really I’m trying to postpone it. I sweat profusely while Derek gets the shot ready and I ice my ass with a Buzzy. A Buzzy is a vibrating ice pack in the shape of a bee. It’s adorable and I depend on it. No shame. I cannot thank my husband enough for playing doctor every night so I don’t have to inject myself. He will be a pro at all things injections by the time we are through with this crap. 

The next step is to thaw 2 of our 4 embryos and safely put them into my uterus. I’ve done this part before and know what to expect. Knowing is half the battle. A lot of infertility is spent not knowing therefore we obsess over research articles or stories from other women but I’m beginning to learn that no one’s story is the same. I’ve run into my fair share of hiccups along the way and can only hope that sharing them helps one person. We are all just trying to survive. Our transfer will be in the near future and the dreaded two week wait will ensue. I’ll do my best to survive and stay busy because that’s all I can do.

So please wish us luck as we reach the end and hopefully the beginning!

P.S. I would like to immensely thank everyone who has made this cycle so much easier and allowed us to focus on making this work. My father in law helped us get hotel rooms in St. Louis which saved us from getting up at 3 am for the four hour drive. My mom has been by my side when Derek stayed back in Indy to work. And my co-workers and employer have been overwhelmingly supportive. I am more than lucky!

 

Thank you, infertility.

As I head to my parents for our big Thanksgiving meal I have a lot to be thankful for. I’m thankful for a silly, dramatic family, a fluffy, lazy dog, a fulfilling job, a cute little house, a shiny blue car, an endless closet of clothes and shoes, and coffee in this morning. The list can keep going.

But what I’m strangely thankful for is my infertility.

Infertility, you’ve changed me. You’ve made me the person I am today and I am thankful for that.

Thank you, infertility. You’ve taught me to be stronger. You’ve taught me to be honest about my feelings and to have no shame.

You’ve taught me to care about myself. To eat better and to listen to my body. Five years ago I wouldn’t have been able to tell you what kombucha was or how to eat gluten free.

I’m thankful for the bond I have built with my husband beacuse of you. We’ve been through alot of negative pregnacy tests and doctors with promise. We’ve learned to lean on each other during the hard times and celebrate the good ones together. Thank you, infertility.

Thank you for the opportunity to share my story and meet other women in the same boat. To be apart of a support group that helps me find answers and listens when I need to cry.

Infertility led me to change jobs during a tough time in my life. A decision I don’t regret so thank you. I now have a job that allows me to focus on myself and attend appointments when I need to without worry. A job that still allows me to do what I love.

I am the most thankful for finally receiving a diagnosis. Derek and I recently went to the Sher Institute in St Louis. After some more blood tests, a fluid sonogram to check the condition of my uterus, and a mock embryo transfer I was finally diagnosed with elevated natural killer cells. Everyone’s body has these cells but I have too many. These killer cells are meant tho fight off disease and foreign objects. Unfortunately my natural killer cells think embryos are a foreign object and keep them from implanting. The good news is it can be treated and we have a plan in place that will most likely work.

So again I thank you infertility for leading me down this path. I am happy and healthy and I have you to thank for it. We will be the most grateful parents when the time comes.

Hope and fear.

With a little hope comes a little fear. Since our failed IVF I’ve done nothing but pick myself up off the ground. I’ve tried to stay busy. I’ve cried. I’ve quit my job. Yep that happened. I’ve cheated on my diet. I’ve stopped taking prenatal vitamins. I’ve given up too much. But I’m growing stronger. 

I look at people differently. I feel different that’s probably why. I can’t allow myself to feel what is in my heart because it’s too much. I have to focus on moving forward.

I finally feel like we are on the right track. At the bottom of the roller coaster we realized we weren’t happy with our lives outside of infertility. We were both working tireless jobs for little money. It’s unfortunate that money is a factor but it is. Infertility is freakin’ expensive. My husband and I decided together to quit our jobs and find something that would pay more and give us more fulfillment. And we did. I am leaving the teaching world and heading to the clinical world as a therapist in an ABA/autism clinic. I’m excited but also scared. The fears are endless but I hope that I find my place and excel in the clinical world. I have lots of hope for us.

My biggest hope comes after a phone consultation with a doctor in St. Louis. I am in Indianapolis so this is a stretch for us. I’ve been closely following Sher Fertility Clinics for awhile and have really learned a lot from their book and blogs.Our follow up consult with our local doctor led us no where. I couldn’t accept that we were simply unlucky. I decided to pull the trigger. I spoke with a doctor who wanted to listen. A doctor that has a new plan instead of the same old thing. A clinic that sends personal notes and has called me more times than I can count. I am hopeful. But there are a lot of fears associated with making this jump. How the hell are four embryos going to get to St. Louis? How am I going to take off of work from a new job? I am constantly thinking and planning to get pregnant. It’s hard to escape it.

A close friend recently shared with me that she is pregnant. I’ll be honest it broke me. The fear returned and I needed to step back from reality. But there was also hope. She struggled to get pregnant with her first child and since has worked hard to change her lifestyle and diet. Now she’s pregnant with number two without really trying. There is that hope. Maybe those miracles really do happen. Maybe that can be me.

Unlucky hurts.

I’ve been dreading this post for the last week.

But we needed time to process what we were going through. My stomach has been in knots worrying if someone is going to ask how the cycle ended. I’ve been avoiding eye contact with people who are only concerned. I’ve been staying busy and keeping to myself. I wasn’t ready to share and I’m still not ready to talk about it. I now know why so many people hide their infertility. It hurts to admit when it fails.

That’s right. Our IVF failed. We have no answers. It just simply failed. We were the unlucky ones and being unlucky hurts.

This is changing who I am. I’ve always been honest with my emotions. I wear my heart on my sleeve. Not anymore. I have to teach myself to be strong. I have to keep trying. Because feeling the disappointment and admitting that I’m scared is more than I can handle. I am more comfortable pretending that I’m okay.

We have had so many people interested in our story and we are so grateful for that.  We cannot thank the people enough who have sent us messages, read the blogs, and donated. The support and kindness has helped us tremendously.

This isn’t the end for us and the IVF wasn’t a total failure. We have four frozen embryos that want to make my uterus their home. We just have to find a way to make it a cozy and welcoming place.

We aren’t sure what is next for us or when we will be ready for it. So for now keep us in your thoughts and send us your luck!

Transfer Day

Transfer day. Phew! What a slew of emotions. It started with the embryologist giving our updated fertilization report. We had 2 beautiful embryos graded 4AB. Which meant they had all the nesccesary parts to make a baby and a placenta. They were prepared for hatching and implanting. There were four more behind them that were to be frozen. In addition to those there are a couple of stragglers that may or may not make it to the blastocyst stage. If they do they’ll freeze them also. She rambled this off along with some letters and numbers. Oh by the way I had take a Valium 30 minutes prior. Uh what?!

It was quickly time to head back to the surgical room. My husband was able to join me for this one. I am positioned in the the oh so familiar stirrups and a wave of emotions started taking over. I did my best not to bawl. I was happy. I was scared. I was worried. But most of all I was amazed at what was going on. 

The procedure routinely takes 5 minutes. It’s never easy for me so of course we had some hiccups. The catheter wouldn’t go in. My bladder was too full. I followed to rules of drinking lots of water. I suppose I was an over achiever. Once the catheter and other items were in place the embryos were passed to the doctor. Those stubborn little things wouldn’t leave the catheter. They switched catheters a few times (which was not pleasant) and eventually got them into my uterus. Dr B says they had their cleats on. 🙂

It was over. I had two embryos right where they belonged. I went straight to acupuncture. Thanks goodness. I needed it. My emotions were raging and I need to chill out. I did just that for 45 minutes while Derek waited. The rest of the day was calm and peaceful even though I worried about every bump and every cramp. I’m going to spend the next few days positive and content with how well our IVF has been. The embryos should implant in 1-3 days. I have my fuzzy socks on and my pineapple core ready. Now its back to waiting to see if this worked. Fingers crossed! 

  

Warm, happy and growing.

The last follicle check has come and went. The ultrasound showed my follicles had caught up and were ready for retreival. Hallelujah! The nurse gave me the go ahead to trigger. The trigger shot is HCG, which promotes maturation of the eggs and ovulation. It was the last shot we’d take during this process. It was almost unnatural to stop the medications but we did and we waited.

In thirty six hours precisely was the egg retrieval. I started getting nervous and googling more than I knew I should. We woke up at 4:30 in the morning on Friday to head to the lab. I was so thankful to be the first one. I was done and back in bed by 9:00.

The worst part was waking up from the anesthesia, propofol. Sorry, MJ that is not a restful sleep. I didn’t want to get up from that miserable surgical bed. I just wanted to go back to sleep. Dr. Bonaventura was and is the best. He calmed my nerves and I have a lot of trust in him. And this is why. He was able to retrieve 30 eggs from my ovaries. Holy crap!

Derek and I were more than thrilled with this number. We will surely have some healthy eggs from a batch of 30.

I slept away the day. Took my hydrocodone and laid still. I have a few restrictions; no lifting, no sex, no exercise. And I had a lot of symptoms to watch for. My best advice to anyone after egg retrieval is to eat in small amounts, drink a lot, and take some colace. I was extremely bloated. The kinda bloated you get after the biggest Thanksgiving meal. I’m not kidding. I looked 3 months pregnant. The egg-less follicles stick around and each turn into a corpus luteum. This gives you the bloat and provides you with progesterone to sustain a pregnancy. I’m fortunate (not) to have 30 of those little bitches. Add in the prometrium and crinone and I’ll be a weepy, emotional mess by the end of the week. Throw in the weight gain, nausea, and sore boobs. Wait, I’m not pregnant yet right?

Saturday morning the lab called with the fertilization report. Only 25 eggs were viable and 18 had successfully undergone ICSI (intra-cytoplasmic sperm injection). We had 18 beautiful, growing embryos! Deep breath.

It was a bit emotional to think of our genetics becoming something real. It is the closest we’ve ever been to procreating.

Dr. B will do a transfer this week. They will pick the best two embryos and place them into my uterus. We will have a wait a few weeks before finding out if they got cozy in there.

I am not disclosing when that will be. It will be a special time for us or a devastating time. I want to enjoy it with my husband and we will share whether we are pregnant or not when we are ready.

For now keep our 18 little embryos in your thoughts and hope that they are warm, happy, and growing. 🙂

Hurry Up and Wait

About a week and a half ago I started the ovulation stimulation part of IVF. It was really happening. We were going to make a baby (or two)!

The headaches stopped and I felt pretty good. I was fortunate to be on spring break from school. I went to acupuncture at my leisure and did a lot of laying around. It must have been what my ovaries needed because they have developed over 20 follicles. Each follicle holds a precious egg. My estrogen on 6 days of meds was 748. It has never been this high!

I am ecstatic to have so many to fertilize. So far this is turning out exactly how I imagined it!

But they weren’t quite ready so we were told to give it the weekend. We checked in again on Monday. Still small, about 15-16 mm. My estrogen was 2300 and I’m starting to feel like a crazy person. All we do is hurry up and wait!

Anxiety is setting in about how and when all of this going to go down. I should have known better than to schedule out the cycle. I am sitting at home all week waiting on my ovaries to catch up. I feels like I have a brick in my abdomen so it’s probably best that I’m not chasing kids all over school. But I sure do miss them!

I am looking forward to my ultrasound in the morning and hope these follicles are ready! Egg retrieval here I come!

It’s almost here.

Well it’s almost here. The vacation we’ve been planning so long for.

Of course it hasn’t been a smooth ride. We started the first medication about 2.5 weeks ago. The first three days were absolutely miserable. Lupron is designed to suppress your reproductive system in order for the doctor to control the upcoming IVF cycle. I was in menopause. It came with hot flashes, insomnia, headaches, and the attitude of a 60 year old cat lady. That was all normal and I expected it. What I didn’t expect was the itching and redness at the injection site and the angioedema. My whole adult life I’ve had angioedema (rapid swelling). My lip or foot would swell for no reason. I’ve had many tests and worked with a few allergists who gave me no insight. I did lots of reading once the angioedema returned with the fertility meds. A light bulb went off! Increases or changes in estrogen can cause angioedema. I’ve worked so hard to figure out why my face would swell up and of course it had to do with my wicked reproductive system. My doctor is confident that as long as I can handle any more bouts of swelling that it should not affect the IVF. Just to make sure I also decided to see the allergist. He sent me for some blood work to test for hereditary angioedema and some autoimmune disorders. Bonus blood work!

That leads me to the next bump in the road. Damnit, I just want to get on with this vacation. I’ve had to go to the same stupid lab for blood work lately. I often wait hours to be poked by a woman who can’t even make eye contact or say hello. Here I was again with them and they managed to lose my blood. No one informed me until a week has passed. So I still have no answers and I have to be stuck yet another time.

The same day I learned about my lost blood I also learned that the post office had placed my medication in storage until further notice. This was truly a WTF moment. Several hundred dollars of medication that was ordered 3 weeks ago is stuck in storage in New York! Whoever made this decision deserves a kick in the teeth. Apparently the day it was shipped there was inclement weather and all packages were put on hold. Somehow mine remains on hold. The pharmacy and my fertility nurse are working miracles to get it to me.  It is only manufactured overseas and takes several days to get to Indiana. If the post office doesn’t move my original package along the pharmacy plans to send a new one from Turkey tomorrow. Let’s hope I have it by next weekend because that’s when we are starting the stimulation meds. Yep, we are actually starting!

Right now it is just one injection a day. Next weekend it goes up to five a day. Then the infamous ultrasounds and blood work ensues until my eggs are ready to be retrieved. I am as ready for this as I’ll ever be.

All of these hiccups cannot deter me from going on that vacation. We want a baby so bad and we are positive that this will work. I try to stay optimistic and stress-free. I am doing yoga and acupuncture regularly. It helps tremendously. My Lupron headaches have diminished. I’ve combated the itching and redness with a super cool vibrating ice pack named Buzzy. Derek has been particularly helpful with the injections and medicine. It is the one thing I haven’t handled or worried about. He knows the doses and the times. He tells me when and what.

Once we start the stimulating meds it will be game on. I am on spring break from school so I have time to rest and relax while my follicles grow. Each follicle holds an egg. My acupuncturist thinks the diet and acupuncture could be enough to give us 15 eggs instead of 10. That would be amazing! It would give us a lot more wiggle room. Unfortunately some won’t make it through all the processes of IVF.

Instead of returning to school when everyone else does I will be preparing for egg retrieval. This is the surgery part of IVF. The eggs will be fertilized in a lab and 5 days later will be transferred back in my uterus. We could be pregnant right away. If not, we hope to have frozen little embryos in a lab. We will be parents one way or another.  Those little embryos will be saved and transferred later if we aren’t pregnant.

So that’s our life right now. IVF in a nutshell. I’ll do my best to keep everyone updated as we move along. There are a lot of factors that could change things. I’m so lucky to have so many people invested and interested in our journey.

Thank you for thinking of us and supporting us along the way.

I’m not alone.

I’ve recently realized that I’m not alone in my infertility journey. I have plenty of people to lean on when I need it and sometimes I need it a lot.

I recently did an interview with Nicole Pence, a local news reporter with FOX59. She was doing a special on infertility and wanted to share some local resources. I have been a part of a local Resolve support group for many months. This is where I go to cry, laugh, and clear my brain. Meeting women going through infertility along side me is uplifting. We are in it together. The title of support group doesn’t justify the amount of support I get from these meetings. It’s truly something special.

My family has also been my backbone through the hard days. Some of the worst memories throughout this journey have turned into some of the best. The day we found out the last IUI was unsuccessful my mom called in sick and came over. She knew better than to let me sit home by myself. We did a little retail therapy and went to lunch. We drank margaritas and long island iced teas at Applebee’s while we giggled and cried. I am thankful that I remember that day as a day with my mom and not as a failed cycle. I have too many of those memories.

Another time we learned about a failed cycle I spent the day with my sister and my nephew. Something about holding my newborn nephew allowed me to feel like a mother even if I really wasn’t. It gave me a lot of peace at the time. Everett heard a lot cries and stories from Aunt Jesse. He is a sounding board to me and doesn’t even know it.

I can’t count the number of times I sobbed while Derek consoled me. It surely sucked but it made us closer. We always make it through those tough times somehow. We have learned to laugh more and de-stress. Finding a way to let it all go eases the pain.

I have found a lot of comfort in sharing my story and can only hope that it helps someone else. Infertility isn’t something we chose and it isn’t something to be ashamed of.

The interview I recently did allowed me to be even more open and honest. The reporter was so appalled by the statistics. One in 6 couples are faced with infertility. She wanted to bring it to attention to that. You are not alone.

I’m proud to be apart of awareness.

We all need someone or a team in our corner. I’m so glad to have built a team for Derek and I. We need it. Our IVF journey will be starting soon and I can’t wait to share with them that we finally won!

Check us out on the news! Pretty cool! We are in the 2nd segment.

http://fox59.com/2015/02/12/fertility-test-simple-test-alerts-couples-of-potential-problems-as-they-grow-family/

http://fox59.com/2015/02/12/group-offers-couples-infertility-support/