This is all about survival.

We started the process of preparing my body for FET (frozen embryo transfer) a few weeks ago. My natural hormones were shut down and the drugs did their part to control my reproductive system. I’ve somehow managed to keep it together for weeks of side effects from birth control and Lupron with the help of essential oils and Natural Calm. I have a lot of faith in oils and vitamins. Magnesium does wonders for headaches and overall health. And my house may smell like a natural foods store but it is tranquil and helps me feel relaxed. This is all about survival.

This week the good stuff began. We traveled to St. Louis twice to see Dr. Dayal at the Sher Institute for Reproductive Medicine. I received an intralipid infusion. Part of me (actually a lot of me) was excited to be injected with this gross milky substance. I mustered up the guts to get an IV in my hand and waited two long hours as it made it’s way through my body. This simple but complex treatment may be the trick to making this whole thing work. My immune system is too reactive and my natural killer cells have most likely been attacking the embryos each time we try to get pregnant. This fatty soy and egg based product will give the natural killer cells something to attack and take the focus away from the embryos. It makes sense and hopefully does the job.

The lining of my uterus was also checked each time this week. It finally reached the greater than 9 millimeters requirement with the help of an extra dose of Estrace daily. And just like that we are ready to transfer our embryos.

But not too fast. Since my own reproductive hormones have been shut down I had to begin the infamous progesterone in sesame oil. I also started a regimen of antibiotics and steroids to ensure that my immune system stays at bay. I have felt like a science experiment this week.

Progesterone in oil has me loosing my mind. It is by far the worst injection I’ve done as it is thick and has to go into the muscle. I psych myself out every night. I act like I’m busy but really I’m trying to postpone it. I sweat profusely while Derek gets the shot ready and I ice my ass with a Buzzy. A Buzzy is a vibrating ice pack in the shape of a bee. It’s adorable and I depend on it. No shame. I cannot thank my husband enough for playing doctor every night so I don’t have to inject myself. He will be a pro at all things injections by the time we are through with this crap. 

The next step is to thaw 2 of our 4 embryos and safely put them into my uterus. I’ve done this part before and know what to expect. Knowing is half the battle. A lot of infertility is spent not knowing therefore we obsess over research articles or stories from other women but I’m beginning to learn that no one’s story is the same. I’ve run into my fair share of hiccups along the way and can only hope that sharing them helps one person. We are all just trying to survive. Our transfer will be in the near future and the dreaded two week wait will ensue. I’ll do my best to survive and stay busy because that’s all I can do.

So please wish us luck as we reach the end and hopefully the beginning!

P.S. I would like to immensely thank everyone who has made this cycle so much easier and allowed us to focus on making this work. My father in law helped us get hotel rooms in St. Louis which saved us from getting up at 3 am for the four hour drive. My mom has been by my side when Derek stayed back in Indy to work. And my co-workers and employer have been overwhelmingly supportive. I am more than lucky!

 

Thank you, infertility.

As I head to my parents for our big Thanksgiving meal I have a lot to be thankful for. I’m thankful for a silly, dramatic family, a fluffy, lazy dog, a fulfilling job, a cute little house, a shiny blue car, an endless closet of clothes and shoes, and coffee in this morning. The list can keep going.

But what I’m strangely thankful for is my infertility.

Infertility, you’ve changed me. You’ve made me the person I am today and I am thankful for that.

Thank you, infertility. You’ve taught me to be stronger. You’ve taught me to be honest about my feelings and to have no shame.

You’ve taught me to care about myself. To eat better and to listen to my body. Five years ago I wouldn’t have been able to tell you what kombucha was or how to eat gluten free.

I’m thankful for the bond I have built with my husband beacuse of you. We’ve been through alot of negative pregnacy tests and doctors with promise. We’ve learned to lean on each other during the hard times and celebrate the good ones together. Thank you, infertility.

Thank you for the opportunity to share my story and meet other women in the same boat. To be apart of a support group that helps me find answers and listens when I need to cry.

Infertility led me to change jobs during a tough time in my life. A decision I don’t regret so thank you. I now have a job that allows me to focus on myself and attend appointments when I need to without worry. A job that still allows me to do what I love.

I am the most thankful for finally receiving a diagnosis. Derek and I recently went to the Sher Institute in St Louis. After some more blood tests, a fluid sonogram to check the condition of my uterus, and a mock embryo transfer I was finally diagnosed with elevated natural killer cells. Everyone’s body has these cells but I have too many. These killer cells are meant tho fight off disease and foreign objects. Unfortunately my natural killer cells think embryos are a foreign object and keep them from implanting. The good news is it can be treated and we have a plan in place that will most likely work.

So again I thank you infertility for leading me down this path. I am happy and healthy and I have you to thank for it. We will be the most grateful parents when the time comes.

Hope and fear.

With a little hope comes a little fear. Since our failed IVF I’ve done nothing but pick myself up off the ground. I’ve tried to stay busy. I’ve cried. I’ve quit my job. Yep that happened. I’ve cheated on my diet. I’ve stopped taking prenatal vitamins. I’ve given up too much. But I’m growing stronger. 

I look at people differently. I feel different that’s probably why. I can’t allow myself to feel what is in my heart because it’s too much. I have to focus on moving forward.

I finally feel like we are on the right track. At the bottom of the roller coaster we realized we weren’t happy with our lives outside of infertility. We were both working tireless jobs for little money. It’s unfortunate that money is a factor but it is. Infertility is freakin’ expensive. My husband and I decided together to quit our jobs and find something that would pay more and give us more fulfillment. And we did. I am leaving the teaching world and heading to the clinical world as a therapist in an ABA/autism clinic. I’m excited but also scared. The fears are endless but I hope that I find my place and excel in the clinical world. I have lots of hope for us.

My biggest hope comes after a phone consultation with a doctor in St. Louis. I am in Indianapolis so this is a stretch for us. I’ve been closely following Sher Fertility Clinics for awhile and have really learned a lot from their book and blogs.Our follow up consult with our local doctor led us no where. I couldn’t accept that we were simply unlucky. I decided to pull the trigger. I spoke with a doctor who wanted to listen. A doctor that has a new plan instead of the same old thing. A clinic that sends personal notes and has called me more times than I can count. I am hopeful. But there are a lot of fears associated with making this jump. How the hell are four embryos going to get to St. Louis? How am I going to take off of work from a new job? I am constantly thinking and planning to get pregnant. It’s hard to escape it.

A close friend recently shared with me that she is pregnant. I’ll be honest it broke me. The fear returned and I needed to step back from reality. But there was also hope. She struggled to get pregnant with her first child and since has worked hard to change her lifestyle and diet. Now she’s pregnant with number two without really trying. There is that hope. Maybe those miracles really do happen. Maybe that can be me.

It’s almost here.

Well it’s almost here. The vacation we’ve been planning so long for.

Of course it hasn’t been a smooth ride. We started the first medication about 2.5 weeks ago. The first three days were absolutely miserable. Lupron is designed to suppress your reproductive system in order for the doctor to control the upcoming IVF cycle. I was in menopause. It came with hot flashes, insomnia, headaches, and the attitude of a 60 year old cat lady. That was all normal and I expected it. What I didn’t expect was the itching and redness at the injection site and the angioedema. My whole adult life I’ve had angioedema (rapid swelling). My lip or foot would swell for no reason. I’ve had many tests and worked with a few allergists who gave me no insight. I did lots of reading once the angioedema returned with the fertility meds. A light bulb went off! Increases or changes in estrogen can cause angioedema. I’ve worked so hard to figure out why my face would swell up and of course it had to do with my wicked reproductive system. My doctor is confident that as long as I can handle any more bouts of swelling that it should not affect the IVF. Just to make sure I also decided to see the allergist. He sent me for some blood work to test for hereditary angioedema and some autoimmune disorders. Bonus blood work!

That leads me to the next bump in the road. Damnit, I just want to get on with this vacation. I’ve had to go to the same stupid lab for blood work lately. I often wait hours to be poked by a woman who can’t even make eye contact or say hello. Here I was again with them and they managed to lose my blood. No one informed me until a week has passed. So I still have no answers and I have to be stuck yet another time.

The same day I learned about my lost blood I also learned that the post office had placed my medication in storage until further notice. This was truly a WTF moment. Several hundred dollars of medication that was ordered 3 weeks ago is stuck in storage in New York! Whoever made this decision deserves a kick in the teeth. Apparently the day it was shipped there was inclement weather and all packages were put on hold. Somehow mine remains on hold. The pharmacy and my fertility nurse are working miracles to get it to me.  It is only manufactured overseas and takes several days to get to Indiana. If the post office doesn’t move my original package along the pharmacy plans to send a new one from Turkey tomorrow. Let’s hope I have it by next weekend because that’s when we are starting the stimulation meds. Yep, we are actually starting!

Right now it is just one injection a day. Next weekend it goes up to five a day. Then the infamous ultrasounds and blood work ensues until my eggs are ready to be retrieved. I am as ready for this as I’ll ever be.

All of these hiccups cannot deter me from going on that vacation. We want a baby so bad and we are positive that this will work. I try to stay optimistic and stress-free. I am doing yoga and acupuncture regularly. It helps tremendously. My Lupron headaches have diminished. I’ve combated the itching and redness with a super cool vibrating ice pack named Buzzy. Derek has been particularly helpful with the injections and medicine. It is the one thing I haven’t handled or worried about. He knows the doses and the times. He tells me when and what.

Once we start the stimulating meds it will be game on. I am on spring break from school so I have time to rest and relax while my follicles grow. Each follicle holds an egg. My acupuncturist thinks the diet and acupuncture could be enough to give us 15 eggs instead of 10. That would be amazing! It would give us a lot more wiggle room. Unfortunately some won’t make it through all the processes of IVF.

Instead of returning to school when everyone else does I will be preparing for egg retrieval. This is the surgery part of IVF. The eggs will be fertilized in a lab and 5 days later will be transferred back in my uterus. We could be pregnant right away. If not, we hope to have frozen little embryos in a lab. We will be parents one way or another.  Those little embryos will be saved and transferred later if we aren’t pregnant.

So that’s our life right now. IVF in a nutshell. I’ll do my best to keep everyone updated as we move along. There are a lot of factors that could change things. I’m so lucky to have so many people invested and interested in our journey.

Thank you for thinking of us and supporting us along the way.

Overhwhelmed and Exhausted

We have finally set a timeline for our upcoming IVF. Early spring is our goal so I recently met with my reproductive endocrinologist to get things rolling. I went in feeling confident and ready to tackle my list of concerns. I left feeling overwhelmed and exhausted.

I have been so unwilling to except that I have unexplained infertility. I’ve spent many hours reading and self diagnosing. I talked to my doctor about doing more tests and asked for his thoughts on several things. Autoimmune disorders, PCOS, etc. I sat with the doctor for an hour going over it. He quoted clinical studies and his experiences. He simply explained to me that IVF will be diagnostic itself and there isn’t reason to believe I have anything other than annovulation and male factor. I’m trying really hard to accept that.

But I am going to remain optimistic. Eating well and taking the right vitamins can correct a lot of infertility problems according to the many books and articles I’ve read. I’m beginning to feel like a walking encyclopedia on infertility. I’m hoping that if I have any of these crazy disorders it will be helped by eating mostly paleo. I am going to stick to that and keep trucking along.

After going over all of my self-diagnoses and fears we went over the schedule for IVF and I was given tons of homework. My husband and I are both required to be tested for infectious diseases. I have to repeat day 3 blood work and have an annual exam/pap smear. I have to call a pharmacy in Israel. I have get our finances in order. Ugh. This is the beginning to a long road trip.

Along with more appointments and tests we have to make some decisions on additional procedures available. Intracytoplasmic sperm injection (ICSI) is a no brainer for us. It allows the sperm to avoid a lot of work. They are being placed directly into the egg rather than just in the same petri dish.

I’m the most confused about preimplantation genetic screening (PGS). The walking encyclopedia reports that a certain percentage of embryos will have abnormal number of chromosomes. There isn’t an explanation for this. It just happens. PGS can help determine if and which embryos are abnormal. An abnormal embryo may not implant or may even miscarry. Knowing increases our chances of getting a baby. Some women do PGD or other genetic testing. This is the most reasonable choice for us and what is being recommended by my doctor.

Of course each extra test or procedure costs money so we have to decide which is worth it. But I am so sick of making decisions. Back to being overwhelmed and exhausted. I can’t find the energy to schedule our appointments or read another book on infertility. I just need a break.

But my list of questions continue to grow. What happens if my cycle shows up when the lab is closed? Does that mean more shots and medicine? Does acupuncture really increase my chances of success? Am I allowed to take all these vitamins during IVF? Can I order my meds from a cheaper pharmacy? How many days of work am I going to miss? The list goes on and it will keep growing so I’d love advice from anyone who has been through IVF. I’m sure you were faced with the same decisions and your knowledge could save me from a lot of googling.

In a few weeks I’ll have my shit together and be ready to conquer the world. For now I am going to let it all soak in. Give myself some fresh air. Phew. Thanks again for listening and being a part of our journey.

Being Mostly Paleo

I’ve decided I didn’t need to sulk or take pity on myself while we are waiting for IVF. I needed to do something productive and something that would benefit our fertility. What I decided was we weren’t going to spend 16K on something without putting forth our best.

I’ve done an enormous amount of research and googling. (Links to my favorite websites and articles below.) The number one recommendation is diet. There are a hundred of whacks out there trying to sell anything and everything to those with infertility but ultimately it is about eating healthy and creating the perfect environment for a sperm and egg to meet.

A lot of the food we eat is processed and full of hormones, antibiotics, sugar, and chemicals. There is a growing amount of research detailing how these can harm fertility. Duh! It only makes sense that eating this crap would affect my hormones. I’m ready to have some control over a piece of this infertility journey. It’s all I can do right now. This is just another step in planning for vacation.

So here is our new diet. I call it “mostly Paleo.” I am by no means a doctor or a nutritionist. I’m just a crazy infertile girl on a mission.So please only take this as an account of my new lifestyle.

The skinny on what is Paleo. It is fruits, veggies, nuts, seeds, grass-fed meat, organic eggs, and fish. Paleo is not grains, refined sugar, processed food, salt, dairy, potatoes, vegetable oils, and legumes. Our exceptions are the occasional potato and dairy. Whole fat milk has a lot of health benefits especially for fertility and of course we are only using local hormone free milk. Paleo is sometimes called the caveman diet because it includes only foods that were available during the Paleolithic era.

Some of the rules we are following when grocery shopping and eating are overwhelming so I’ve created a notebook. My husband thinks I’m a lunatic but I can’t keep all of this straight without it. I am quickly realizing how expensive and time consuming it is to eat this way. I swear I am at Fresh Thyme or Target every day. All I do is cook and clean the kitchen. But I am extremely excited to get healthy and grow a baby. We are putting a lot of trust in this diet and I’m confident that it is the boost we need.

This is a breakdown of what is in my crazy little notebook.

Organic when possible. Lots of fruit, veggies, nuts, etc. are grown with pesticides and chemicals. I don’t want to fill up on anything unnecessary so out they go! There is a list of the dirty dozen (foods that should always be bought organic) and the clean fifteen (foods that are just fine non-organic). This helps bring my grocery bill down a bit.

Only grass-fed meat. We made a wise decision to buy a ¼ of a cow from a local farm a few months ago without knowing how much healthier it is for fertility. Cows that aren’t grass fed are fattened up with grains and processed fed. They are also given antibiotics, hormones, and drugs to meet the needs of the big box corporations. Grass-fed beef has much more of the right kind of fats. The fats our body needs. I also have to say it tastes better. Eggs and chicken should also be organic and free-range.

No refined sugar or processed foods. This falls in the same category as organic. All of these things are full of GMOs and added chemicals. Best to leave them out!

I’m also avoiding soy. Soy is in everything, not just tofu burgers and soy milk. It is in lots of sauces and seasonings. It’s hidden in the ingredient list using a variety of names, such as, soy lecithin and textured vegetable protein. The biggest surprise to me about soy was how it mimics estrogen in your body. It can cause your body to stop or make less estrogen. What the heck?! Estrogen is extremely important in ovulation. And as someone already struggling with producing the right hormones I can’t risk messing with my estrogen.

No caffeine or alcohol. Okay, I’ll be honest, we haven’t quite quit these. I purchased organic coffee and am not using the terrible creamer anymore. That’s progress. I’ve only drank wine or gluten free beers. More progress. Slowly and the closer we get to IVF there will be no more of either. We just have to wean ourselves off. Eek!

I have lots more info in my brain but I don’t want to bore you. Fertility super foods and which vitamins I take are up next. Ask questions and send me wonderful comments. The comments are my favorite part of blogging!

http://healthybabycode.com/5-myths-about-pregnancy-nutrition-4-soy-is-a-healthy-alternative-to-meat-dairy

http://www.pullingdownthemoon.com/blog/2014/april/whole-milk-and-fertility.aspx

http://natural-fertility-info.com/fertility-diet

http://healthybabycode.com/blog

http://thepaleodiet.com/what-to-eat-on-the-paleo-diet/

http://www.thepaleomom.com/

Expanding our Efforts

We have decided to expand our efforts to raise money for IVF. While we are financially secure, the total cost of the procedure is very intimidating and the last thing we want to do is be left with a large amount of debt at the birth of our first child.  We have been doing several things to raise the funds; dog sitting, furniture making, selling on eBay, etc. We are very budget minded – we are always focused on saving and cutting back our spending.  Our ultimate goal is to find a way to raise these funds ourselves without the burden of a loan.

Many people have asked how they can help. We have set up a crowd funding site and any donations would be greatly appreciated. If you are able to give a small amount to our cause we’d be grateful!

http://www.youcaring.com/medical-fundraiser/baby-hartman/280996

At least we have each other.

I’ve had some rough days lately. I’m a planner and a worrier and this drives my husband crazy. He tells me to be more spontaneous and to let things go. We were bummed this week to find out that we didn’t receive the grants we had applied for. I had thrown most of my hope into this and was a bit crushed. Derek, like always, remained strong. He lets me throw a temper tantrum then talks me down. He knows how to say the right thing. At least we have each other.

There isn’t anybody I’d rather be on this infertility journey with. He is the most responsible person in the room all while being the life of the party. He truly makes me a better person. Derek is a business man and a thinker. Since being infertility broke he has started building and selling furniture. He’s amazing and we are able to save money a lot faster with this extra income. He may not react the way I do but he’s trying to make this work just as hard as I am.

During the last round of treatment I was prescribed injectables. This meant I had to get a daily shot in the abdomen. Derek’s always been a little squeamish about hospitals but I’m way worse. There was no way I’d be shooting myself up. He stepped up and gave me a shot every night. We laughed each time as I squirmed around the couch. This stupid process somehow made us grow closer. Our relationship couldn’t be stronger.

With every failed cycle or disappointment he stays calm. He reminds me that it’ll work someday and I believe him. After the disappointment of losing the grants we went over our options.

The planner in me needed to figure something out. We talked through our finances and have a tentative plan (more on that later). But for now, we are going to enjoy the holidays and each other.

Feel free to contact us if you are interested in any furniture. He has experience making lots of handmade pieces. The dresser below is one of my favorites.

Dear pregnant woman

Dear pregnant woman,

I’m sorry for the way that I feel.

I promise that I am happy for you. I truly am but I’m sadder for myself. I’ve grown selfish throughout my infertility journey. I feel cheated and it hurts to see you around. My mind fills with hundreds of questions when you wobble around Target. What did she do differently? I wonder if she had infertility. What does it feel like to be pregnant? I’m embarrassed that I’m staring at you. I’m just jealous of your growing belly.

I’m no longer surprised when you tell me how you got that belly. I’ve heard all the stories. It was an accident and you were even on birth control. You only had sex once. These stories make me feel like a failure.

Be proud of your morning sickness or pregnancy symptoms. Do you know what I’d give to have that? You are growing a human being; it’s a miracle that comes with some discomfort.

Your ultrasounds remind me of my infertility treatments because my ultrasounds are full of polycystic ovaries and underdeveloped follicles. There isn’t ever a baby. Cherish those images.

I’m sorry if I miss your baby shower. It reminds me that the stroller I wanted is outdated. The nursery themes that I liked are no longer in style. Baby showers only reminded me of all the things I can’t have.

I’m sorry.

If you went through a similar journey, please be open about it. Infertility isn’t something to be ashamed of and it’s nice to know that I’m not alone. It’s also nice to know that there could be a happy ending for me and that someday my belly will grow.

Love,

Mrs. Hartman

Infertility Broke

While trying to decide which grants, scholarships, and please give me money funds to do I’m reminded how emotionally and financially draining infertility is. I’ve spent many hours and sleepless night worrying about how we will afford just one IVF cycle. We make a good living and work hard. We have nice things and saving is a priority buts still not enough. It’s not even close to enough. One cycle of in-vitro fertilization will cost us roughly $16,000. And what is worse is there is no guarantee. In fact most couples don’t walk away with a baby after one cycle. It may take 2 or 3. Do you know how much that will cost? $48,000.

My stomach flips every time I do the math. Why am I expected to pay an average yearly salary to have a baby? Of course, there are loans and various programs. Many doctors offer a shared risk discount. This means you pay for 3 discounted IVF cycles for maybe 30k instead of 48k. The doctor and the couple sign a contract agreeing if there is no baby in the end all money will be refunded. It could take 1 cycle and you still have to pay 30k or it could not work and you are back to square one but you have your money back. I can’t even wrap my head around this. We are not people to be willy-nilly with our money. I just want to pay for what I want at a reasonable cost.

That brings me to the cost of infertility. It is unbelievably varying between states, doctors, treatments, etc. Our doctor has given us a pretty realistic price for IVF. There are a few cheaper places locally but I don’t feel that I’d have the same quality of care. The cost is broken down into pieces. A large portion goes to the lab and the embryologist. Then there is anesthesia for the egg retrieval. There are the doctor’s fees, ultrasounds, and blood work appointments. And there are the medications and hormones which is 6k themselves. Adding up to $16,000.  Insurance does not cover a single dime. I’ve begged them for coverage and it isn’t going to happen.

By the way we’ve already spent several thousand dollars on IUIs and diagnostic stuff. So we are infertility broke.

So we continue to wait and save and wait some more. We will keep applying for grants and looking up clinical trials. We are saving rapidly and selling everything unnecessary in our house. I’m trying to be smarter when I grocery shop and trying to reduce the number of trips I make to Target. We ask ourselves often, “Do I need to buy this or do I want to have a baby?” The answer is we want a baby. I know it will happen for us and we will not give up. Keep your fingers crossed for us. We are really hoping for a grant. 🙂

Again, thank you for listening and following our story. I started this post with tears rolling down my face and I’m finishing feeling a little less worried. We are lucky to have friends and family that care.